In a world where life is cheap...
In a time when singing in a high, duck-like voice is not considered an emasculating feature...
One moody singer with the looks of a matinee idol..."
"... and one woman with a face like two spiders asleep on a fish..."
"... will find themselves in a whole new world of trouble."
Thanks, Don! Yes! That's right! It's everyone's favourite genre, the music video as movie trailer. But if this video really WAS a feature film, what kind of film would it be, we are wondering.
Well, from first glance, it is the kind of obscure indie film with an obtuse title, like 'M' or something, that opens with a shot of five louche LA rock stars standing in a storm drain. Obv.
And, in true indie fashion, it even has subtitles.
Rather random subtitles, it must be said. Betray... what's that? MIME? So someone (perhaps singer Adam Levine?) is one of those street performers who stands around pretending to be in an invisible box, and someone (perhaps that waxy girlfriend up there?) is going to dob him in to the police for not having a valid busking licence? Wow, that sounds like a terrible movie.
Oh, no, hang on, it's more exciting that that, apparently.
"From the people who brought you chart-topping album Songs About Jane...
"And the facial characteristics that brought you both Jake Spears and Will out of Will and Grace..."
"...comes a movie that takes you to places you've never been. And places you'd hoped you'd Never Go Again.
"Like that time when you were little when you had a bad dream and walked in on your mum and dad wrestling naked, for example..."
Oh! Look! Bum!
That's right, there IS a plot, and it seems to be one of... Hang, on, sorry, I'll let Don tell you.
"A story of BETRAYAL!"
"MURRDURR!"
"BRIBERY!"
"AND LADIES WITH INFLATED AIRBAGS RUNNING AROUND IN BIKINIS FOR NO DISCERNABLE REASON!"
With a deceptively simple infidelity / murder / attempt-to-cover-up-aforementioned-murder plot, Maroon 5 haven't got enough to fill out the rest of this four-minute video (which doesn't bode well for the feature-length, I must confess) so they've filled the time with ideas of such complexity that, if fleshed out to an entire movie, would make Mulholland Dr look like Finding Nemo.
While all the band members are introduced with a "Starring..." caption, we're left wondering who in this twisted web of plot they might be playing. A mobster here, maybe? A pimp there? An accomplice? A private dick? And ... What? Kurt Cobain?
What the hell kind of plot IS this, anyway?
"In a world where nothing is what is seems..."
Thanks, Don, that helps.
"... A dastardly plot is unfolding.
"This summer, you'll discover that in the name of MOR rock, there's no such thing as too many inexplicable bondage girls in bikinis on boats..."
"..and no end to the unkiind things you can infer about models via seemingly random subtitles."
"And most of all, you'll discover that when it comes to true patriotism, there's NOTHING that looks as good with the flag than an enormous pair of boobies..."
"Even if there IS no relevant plot point that you can connect the image to."
Oh! I see what this is now. It's Maroon 5 really hankering for the days of classic porn!
None of this modern gonzo stuff, but real, plot-driven pornography, usually based on other films. You know: Big Trouble In Little Vagina; Tits of Fury; Brassiere to Eternity.
Yes, with this movie-trailer style promo, they're crying out for a return of the pornography of old. There's little other explanation.
"This summer. Be prepared. To Expect... The unexpected."
You're right, Don! That WAS unexpected.
And with that realisation in hand, we watch the rest of the trailer, such as it is.
"You can RUN AWAY!"
"You can dump the body over a bridge in a highly populated area of Los Angeles!"
(They do.)
"You can blow up your car!"
(Ditto.)
"But in the end, you'll get caught by attractive young women dressed in stripper-cop costumes."
"And when push comes to shove, when the one man has done all he can to change what he might in the world that has dealt him such a tough hand...
"When everything looks like it might turn out right after all..."
"He may end up dying in the electric chair anyway. Which, um, kind of makes it a bit pointless going to see the film. Um. Anna?"
Oh yes. Yes, you're right. Sorry about that. SPOILER: He dies at the end. Except in the nicer censored MTV version. Where he doesn't. Hurrah!
And with that, it's the end. Finish it off, Don!
"THE END."
Thanks.
My god how bitter this article is-what is your beef with Maroon 5? Oh, they
do something out of the ordinary and someone just HAS to complain!
